


Chicka Chicka Boom Boom(Or Something Like That)

by mobilisinmobili



Series: Life's Super Problems and Solutions [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Daily heart attacks, Domestic Avengers, Guardianship, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Science Bros, Teenagers, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, dad tony, parenting is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mobilisinmobili/pseuds/mobilisinmobili
Summary: Pepper told Tony and Tony told Pete(r), You shouldn't hang around masked anti hero fiends.-Or-Deadpool is a verified little shit.(Set roughly 5 ish months after "Tony Stark and the Terrible, Horrible, No good. Very bad Parent Teacher conference")





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the little prank video about the wife who photoshopped a coyote(?) Into her house to prank her husband and the plot bunny just grew!

It wasn't that Tony particularly hated board meetings. He actually kind of liked them, in that they provided a solid two to three hours of prime introspective meditation.

Or as Pepper put it, “nap time”.

But he was a decent human being, and listen most of the time. He took notes and asked a few questions just to make sure no one got their panties in a twist. And most importantly, he set his phone on silent.

Well, technically Pepper had done so, but he liked to claim responsibility since it always remained off until the end of the meeting.

So the first message ping came as just as much a surprise to Tony as it did for everyone in the room.

“Sorry guys. I'm positive I'd set the damn thing on silent..” he winced purposefully avoiding the dagger eyes that Pepper was probably shooting at him as he fumbled with the volume control.

“Alrighty. Sorry bout that. Promise it won't happen again”, he waved the phone.

“As I was saying-”, the presenter continued with a chuckle.

Ping.

Ping.ping.ping.ping.

“What the…” he started, pressing the volume down key once more only to be met with the silent icon.

He tapped the back of the phone a few times on the dark wood meeting table a few times.

“Probably just a glitch. I'll have to repro-” he was suddenly cut off by the hijacked wide screen at the front of the board room.

It crackled to life, going in and out of focus a few times before a moving image of what looked like a tile floor was projected on the screen.

There were muffled sounds and a barrage of movement before the image righted itself.

Tony’s stomach dropped. He didn't even need to see anything else before rubbing at his eyes in attempt to quell the migraine he could just _feel_ was going to hit.

The others looked around warily, unsure of what they were supposed to do.

Pepper just turned her attention to the ceiling, mentally begging whatever deity was watching to just swallow the whole building because whatever was happening was more than likely going to need paperwork.

Mountains and mountains of paperwork…

The image on the screen began to move once more as whatever or whoever was holding the camera began to rush down the hallway.

It took a few more moments of hurried running and a sharp left before the camera was flipped to reveal the mysterious holder of the camera.

“Hi Mr. Stark! I mean Tony. Sorry!”

Tony ran a hand roughly down his face trying to scrub away the wave of wariness the new face brought.

“Wait, can he hear me?” Pepper winced as the figure yelled loudly to someone out of frame.

“Hi Peter. I can hear you just fine kiddo.” Tony replied.

“Oh hi!” came the overly excited reply.

“I'm really sorry about interrupting your meeting!” he rushed, craning his neck to peek at something off frame. “But you weren't answering your phone so Nat got my call to go straight to the meeting room screen”, he said sprinting into the common room.

Tony glanced down at his phone only to have his gut flip.

“Is everything alright over there?” he started warily.

“Oh yeah! Totally! Clint’s not here right now but um, everyone else including Bucky is here.”

Tony’s brow shot up.

“Alrighty then… Uh why exactly do I have 12 messages from Bruce? And why did Nat call? She never calls…”

Peter’s eyes widened as he spotted something off screen, prompting him to tiptoe behind one of the large structure pillars within the compound’s common room.

“Well, funny story”, he began with a nervous chuckle.

There was sounds of something shattering off screen with a very aggressive “ _damn it”_ before the screen began to move again as Peter dropped it from his face to start sprinting.

“We have a small problem,” he brought the screen back up to his face which was beginning to sweat.

“Peter...” Tony was growing all the more anxious.

“Okay. Okay. But you gotta promise not to get mad,” he took a sharp corner.

Tony narrowed his eyes.

“First of all, you should know that you're in no way shape or form in a situation to be negotiating any sort of terms and conditions." no one commented on the absolute sass.

“I swear, Peter. If this is _anything_ like the grades incident I will put you on floor lock down.”

There was a muffled yelp before Peter faced the camera once more.

“No no, nothing like that!” he hurried to reply.

“Stark, you better get your butt over here and fix this. He's peed _everywhere_!” came a slightly muffled shout that sounded worryingly like Nat.

Tony just stared.

“I'll clean it up, I Promise!” Peter added.

“Peter Parker.”

“Mr. Stark-I-mean-Tony,” he replied, trying for a winning smile.

“I want you to be totally honest with me, alright?” the solemnity threw Peter for a loop.

“Alright…?”

“Did you” he nodded to Peter “Pee somewhere outside the bathroom?”

Pepper took a deep breath. Of course it would have to be happening in front of the entire board of directors.... as if they weren't already warry enough...

There was a momentary silence before Peter stammered an answer, tripping over his words.

“No.NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. no I swear it wasn't me.”

Tony sighed tiredly.

“But _someone_ did.”

Peter chewed at his bottom lol, looking anywhere but at the camera.

“For godsakes!” he threw his hands up in defeat. “Peter Parker. Look at me.”

Peter faced back to the camera, eyes wide in what Cap called “puppy eyes”.

Tony was _not_ going to fall for it. Not this time.

“Who.peed.inside?”

“Weeeeeelll….” Peter winced.

“Peter!”

“Not _someone_ . Some _thing_.”

Tony narrowed his eyes in suspicion, arms crossing on their own accord.

“Excuse me? Did you just say Some _thing_ as in not _human_?”

Pepper just sank lower in her chair.

“...Yes…”

“See Coleman. This is why I said I need to have my phone on during meetings.” Coleman chuckled weakly.

“Teenagers. Nuff said,” he brought up to hands in surrender. “Anywho,” he turned back to the screen where it looked to be somewhere strangely higher than the floor.

“All that aside for a second, where exactly are you?”

There was a rustle as Peter set the camera to back facing.

Tony saw a familiar countertop and view of the living room.

“You're in the kitchen?”

“Yup,” came the whispered response.

“Why are we whispering?”

“Cause he'll hear us,” Peter opened the front face camera once more.

“How are you getting that angle?” one of the multiple scientists in the board meeting asked.

“I'm on top of the refrigerator,” came the honest answer.

Tony just sighed, willing his dwindling amount of patience to hold on tighter.

“Are you in danger?” Tony asked seriously, moving to stack his notes back into the file in front of him.

“I can be there in twenty.”

“Not super super in danger but just kinda sorta.”

Tony sat dumbfounded for a second, trying to get through the utter _teenagerness_ of it all.

Was this really even happening right now _?_

 _“_ You're gonna have to be more specific kid. What does ‘just kinda sorta’ mean?”

“I mean, Cap and the others are probably gonna be able to protect themselves.”

“Mhmm…” his patience began to sweat.

“And Dr. Banner is in the basement in the lab so it'll probably not be able to get down there. But Cap locked him in, so he's probably really confused right now.”

“And you?”

“I'm fine for now. I'll just sit tight and maybe it'll wear itself out,” there was a level of honest belief and calmness that did nothing to fix any of Tony’s growing worry.

“Again, what is ‘ _it’_ ? Is ‘ _it_ ’ the ‘ _he_ ’ that Nat was talking about?”

“Yup!”

He closed his eyes and counted to ten.

“He's actually kinda cute,” Peter nodded. “Cute but super vicious. He nearly got my fingers when he woke up.”

_Aaaaand the reserve of patience was gone._

“What are you even talking about? What do you mean he's cute? Why were you even near enough for him to be able to do that? I need answers!”

Pepper couldn't help but shoot Coleman a small smile as Tony’s so called ‘dad voice’ awoke.

“Oh no!” Peter went rigid as his eyes focused to a side, listening for something that wasn't loud enough to be picked up by the phone’s microphone.

“Talk to me, Peter!” worry seeped into his voice.

“He's coming over here”, Peter whispered, eyes wide as he stared ahead.

The faint sounds of clicks came closer and closer to the kitchen.

“Hey, just out of curiosity”, Peter  whispered.

No one missed the forced calm in his wavering voice.

“Can coyotes jump?”

There was a beat of stunned silence before Tony replied.

“ _Excuse_ me?”

Peter inhaled sharply, eyes widening at whatever it was that was standing in front of the stainless steel fridge.

Without another word Peter pressed the ‘flip camera’ option.

And for a good five seconds Tony struggled to find his words as the migraine tightened its grip on his brain.

“I know you're probably a bit shocked, but I promise, I can 100% explain!”

The massive bundle of fur unfurled his mouth to reveal a set of stomach churning sharp pointy teeth and a pair of dangerously sharp fangs.

“Oh my god…”

“It's a coyote.”

“Uh, yeah. What the absolute _fuck_ , Peter?!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big big thank you to everyone who've commented! I love when you all tell me what you think of the story. It honestly helps so much in decided whether or not the story is going down the right direction.   
> With that said, constructive criticism is highly accepted as long as they are constructive and not just all out mean :)

It had taken Tony 13 minutes and nearly twelve different speeding and reckless driving tickets to make it back to the compound with the animal control guys in the back seats of his car. 

He knew he'd probably have to pay for on the job trauma and all that jazz, but at the moment he couldn't say he really cared. 

Definitely not. 

Not with a very live, very dangerous and possibly feral coyote running around the compound. 

It didn't help that the guy in the front seat kept rambling on about crazy coyote facts like how they could easily jump 8 feet fences. 

He couldn't kid himself. The fridge was  _ definitely  _ less than 8 feet…

In his defence, he could have just knocked the guy out, but he decided to be civil and just speed through traffic like a maniac. 

He certainly wouldn't admit he got a bit of petty satisfaction at the terrified looks on all of their faces as he weaved in and out of traffic at a highly illegal speed. 

The quiet of the compound’s parking deck set Tony on edge as he smoothly parked his car before rushing over to the private elevator, glaring at the still motion sick men to  _ hurry the fuck up. _

They had tried their best, nets and tranq guns lugging behind them as they worked to get everything inside the elevator. 

It took a moment before the doors slid shut smoothly, ascending silently to the common room. 

“He was in here when Peter called at the meeting, so he might still be around there.”

And without further time to explain, the elevator dinged and the doors reopened. 

“Peter…?” Tony called out, stepping cautiously out into the silence of the common room. 

The men followed suit, loading their tranq guns as their eyes darted around the sleek modern area. 

“Pet-”

“Shh!” 

Tony whipped his attention to the living room where the sofa had just shushed him.

He glanced back at the others to make sure he hadn't gone crazy. 

They all nodded. 

So he wasn't hearing voices after all…. 

He turned back to the living room to see the top of Nat’s copper hair sticking up from behind the long seat. 

She waved them over hurriedly. All of them rushed to comply. 

“Keep it down”, she hissed, shooting a blood chilling glare to the last guy who managed to drop his net on the tile floor. 

“So I'm gonna assume everyone's still alive.”

She nodded. 

“Cap managed to get a net on it before it tried to jump the fridge to get Peter.” 

“So you guys caught it?” 

“No. It ripped its way out…” 

Tony peek out from behind the sofa to check the area. 

“So he's still out there?!”

“ _ Obviously.”  _

“Where's Peter?” 

Nat nodded towards the lofty rafters that criss crossed the ceiling of the common room.

Tony did a double take as his eyes finally registered two people chilling on the high beams. 

Peter waved. 

“I'm not even gonna ask….” Tony grimaced. 

“So that leaves Barnes as the only one unaccounted for.”

“He was in the basement gym before the Coyote got in, but SHIELD didn't set him up with a phone yet so we just have to hope he doesn't cross paths….”

Tony rubbed at his temples. 

“So where's the little monster?” 

Nat shrugged.

“He didn't exactly take to the net. Seemed really angry... “ 

“So there's a furious, possibly rabid, wild coyote just wandering around?” he hissed. 

“Yup.” 

“It's like being on a bad acid trip without the acid….” 

Nat quirked a brow.

“Not that I'd condone taking any sort of illicit drugs.” he shot Peter a serious look.

Peter in turn nodded furiously, shoot Tony a thumbs up.

Tony just sighed. 

“Alright gentlemen, and lady.” he stood, motioning for the rest to follow. 

“Let's get this show on the road. I want this thing caught before lunch.” 

He hauled the crazy coyote facts guy up by the arm. 

“Try to stay away from any glass. It's an absolute pain in the ass to get SHIELD out for anything not related to kicking ass.” 

He gave him a encouraging shove. 

“You guys too. I'm not paying you to just sit here…” he nodded to the others. 

“And besides, it's not cool to leave your buddy without any back up.” 

“Very true”, Natasha agreed, picking a spare tranq gun off the nearest guy. 

“Let's go.”

The four animal control men’s eyes widened as she took the first few cautious and worryingly silent steps out towards the hall. 

With one last thumbs up from Tony, they marched out, albeit gingerly, following Natasha’s back. 

………

In the end it was Nat who tranqed the Coyote. Something that Tony unfortunately heard, causing him to question why he'd brought the others along in the first place. 

But Cap, being the sportsman he was, still shook their hands and thanked them after handing them a hefty check he'd managed to get Tony to sign off on. 

They'd left on their merry way out of the compound with a very large, very sedated coyote leaving the others to clean up the puddles of pee that seemed to appear everywhere. 

It took Tony about twenty minutes before he called quits and called in the cleaning Cavalry with Pepper’s blessing after promising to turn any and all overdue forms and documents in by dinner.

Tony had quickly obliged, cursing as he managed to step on yet another pee puddle hidden by a pillar. 

Needless to say, when everyone managed to regroup for lunch, he was  _ not  _ happy in the slightest. Natasha and Rogers didn't say much as they worked on internally sorting out the crazy events of the morning. 

Peter had enough sense to not say a word as he quietly munched away at the pizza on his plate. 

Bucky, as it turned out, was not actually at the compound at all. Far from it. 

As it turned out, he had been called on by Fury nearly half an hour before the whole mess and had been elsewhere.

He silently digested all of the new information, focusing on chewing instead of anything else. The dishes were put in the dishwasher and everyone departed to their own rooms, save for Tony who decided to crash in the living room since it was the closest.

He flopped down on the luxuriously comfortable couch for less than 2 minutes before he nearly rolled himself off in haste to sit up.

“JARVIS!”

“Is the situation all clear? Ms. Romanov asked me to stay silent in case I startle the guest”, JARVIS replied politely. 

“Yeah. It's been sorted. But more importantly, I'm gonna need you to let Bruce out of the lab.” 

“I will unlock Dr. Banner immediately. Biometric scans show he is showing symptoms of anxiety.”

Tony pushed himself off of the sofa to make his way to the mini bar where he grabbed two bottles of coke they had left. 

It had taken Bruce less than 2 minutes to make it up to the common room where Tony greeted him with a coke  and a apologetic tap on the back. 

  * “What in the world was that?” Banner accepted the glass bottle and plopped himself down on the sofa. 



His skin looked a little more green than Tony would have liked. 

“There was a small situation” he put up a hand to stop the sudden intrusion he knew Banner would make. 

“Completely not my fault this time.”

Bruce cocked a brow in surprise. 

“I was just as surprised as you were. Nat and Peter hijacked the screen at the board meeting. I got a live stream video of the entire thing in front of the board of directors….” 

Bruce winced. 

“Speaking of Peter… JARVIS, tell Peter to come over real quick.” 

“Will do, Sir.” 

“He's got a shit ton of explaining to do.” 

And as if on cue, the elevator doors slid open to reveal a rather nervous looking teen. 

“You called?” he tried for a smile. 

Tony just narrowed his eyes, patting the seat next to him. 

The smile dropped off his face. 

“Come on, I don't bite.” 

Peter shuffled over, sitting himself as far as he could within the diameter of the two seater. 

Tony pulled him into a half hug, draping an arm around the teen’s shoulders, causing him to move closer. 

“So, how was your day?” 

Peter’s couldn't help the wince that graced his face. He had a pretty good idea of where this conversation was headed and he was not ready  _ at all _ … 

“Uh...pretty good.” he coughed. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah…” 

“I saw you left the place pretty early this morning. You weren't here when I left for the meeting and that was like 7Am,” Tony dropped the arm to readjust himself to fully face the frazzled looking teen. 

“Y-yeah. Um. I was missing a mechanical part for my project so I figured I'd just go over to the hardware store.” 

“Mhmm. How'd that go?” 

“They had the piece I wanted.” 

“So you bought it and came straight back.” 

Peter chuckled nervously. 

“W-well, not  _ right  _ back…” 

Tony motioned for Peter to continue. 

“I was on my way back but I took a shortcut so I'd pass by that place with the super good sandwiches.” 

Tony nodded. 

“But then I bumped into that guy with the red mask.”

Tony shot Bruce a solemn look. He had a pretty good idea of who it was Peter was talking about. 

“Guy with a mask?” Bruce prompted. He had a feeling he and Tony were on the same page about who this guy was, but he wanted to be absolutely sure. 

“Yeah” Peter nodded. 

“He wears a red mask with the black eye patch parts. Kinda looks like my costume.” 

Tony took another sip as he began internally counting to 10. 

“Kinda curses a lot. Has a thing for chimichangas.” 

_ Couldn't even get to 6….  _

Tony shut his eyes and took a deep breath before focusing back on Peter. 

“So you met up with the guy with the mask, and then?” 

“Well, he was super nice and he bought me a chimichanga and we talked for a bit and then he remembered that he had to go pick up his dog from the vet so we did, but his dog was passed out because apparently he gets super unhappy and snippy at the vets office.” 

Bruce could almost feel the headache that had descended onto Tony just from the sheer look of utter stupor. 

Peter on the other hand remained unperturbed as he continued. 

“But luckily the kennel had wheels so we were rolling it towards his house, but then he got a super emergency call from *someone named Jason Todd? I dunno who that guy is but apparently there was a super emergency and he asked me to look after his dog, Bruce, for just a few hours.” 

Tony took a gulp as the pounding in his head worsened. 

“So he gave me his number and I brought Bruce over here and got him all set up. It took him a bit to wake up from the drugs, but once he did he tried to bite me, so obviously I ran and he started chasing and somewhere in the middle of all of that I bumped into Cap and he told me that Bruce was a Coyote but I didn't really believe him. And then we bumped into Nat who also told me Bruce wasn't a dog so I got kinda worried because his teeth are super sharp and-” 

Tony put up a hand to stop the word vomit that was happening before him. 

“So you, not only talked to a total stranger, but you agreed to dog sit for him too?” Tony asked bemusedly. 

“Well… Bruce is super cute and the guy was so nice… He asked really nicely and just seemed super stressed.” 

“Hmm…. He has a point, Tony.” 

Tony in turned shot Bruce a frown. 

“Nuhuh. You're supposed to be helping me Bruce. I thought we were on the same team”, Tony mockingly admonished. 

“Sorry”, Bruce smiled lightly, taking a sip. 

“Do even know this guy…” 

“I mean, I think I saw him once in the middle of a night patrol?” Peter shrugged. 

“First of all, no talking to strangers”, Tony admonished. 

“Second of all, I'm gonna need you to head over to Pepper and apologize.” 

Peter stared in confusion. 

“You don't remember do you…?”

He shook his head. 

“You actually do know him.” 

Tony crossed his arms. 

“Or, you should know him. Think back, oh, four months ago?” 

Peter’s brows scrunched in confusion. 

“The very special Avengers-not-really-Avengers-briefing in Peppers office when I gave you the new uniform?” 

It took a moment but Peter’s eyes lit up as it came back to him. 

“Oh yeah!”

“She specifically warned you not to make any sort of contact with a certain masked guy.” 

Peter blanched. 

“A certain vigilante assassin….” Tony cocked his head, sass radiating through his posture. 

“Oh my god…”Peter buried his face in his hands. 

“Now he remembers…” Tony rolled his eyes. 

“So the call was a lie?” The teen looked absolutely crushed.

Tony shrugged. 

“Not completely. Jason Todd’s a real person. Not the greatest guy, but he definitely exists.” 

“So this whole thing was on purpose?” 

Tony nodded solemnly.

“Anywho, I won't ground you this time.” 

Peter's eyes lit up. 

“But” Held up a hand. 

“I'm stealing your Saturday.” 

“What?” the confused expression returned. 

“I expect to see you up and ready to go tomorrow morning at 6.” 

Peter looked to Banner to see if he could find any clues on what Tony’s game plan was. 

Bruce shot Peter an apologetic shrug. 

“Will I need the mask?” he asked warily.

“Nope. But I do expect you to wear something SI related.” 

That  _ definitely  _ threw him for a loop.

“Are we going to the main labs?” 

Tony took another swig from slowly emptying bottle. 

“We’re going to the zoo.” 

Even Bruce had to admit that that statement was  _ nowhere  _ near anything he expected to hear come out of Tony Stark’s mouth.

“Say that again?” Bruce spoke up. 

“We as in me and Peter, and you and everyone else if they want to. We'll be going to the zoo.” 

It was a moment of surreal silence. 

But Tony continued. 

“The San Diego Zoo to be specific.” he went for a exaggeratedly excited jazz hands and smile. 

“Think of it as a learning experience”, he continued. 

“B-but why…?” Peter stuttered out.

“Because, apparently  _ some _ people can't tell the difference between a dog and a Coyote…” He leveled Peter with a ‘what-the-fuck’ stare. 

“It was an honest mistake!” Peter protested. 

“Umm, no.” Tony rolled his eyes. 

“An  _ honest  _ mistake would be like **that time your hand slipped and you almost blew up the lab.” 

Peter struggled to find a good retort, but his brain pulled up short.

“I-” 

Tony put a hand up to cut him off. “Tomorrow, 6 AM sharp. This is non negotiable.” 

He tapped Peter on the back before he got off the sofa.

He didn't have to look to know that Peter was watching him as he rinsed the bottle out at the sink before throwing it down the recycling chute. 

He shot the two a mock salute before marching to the elevator. 

“And Peter?” he called from the elevator. 

“Y-yeah?” 

“A coyote?  _ Really _ ?” 

And with that, the doors wooshed shut, but he did manage to catch a very  _ very  _ teenage sigh and a muffled thump in which he could only assume was from Peter keeling over onto the space Tony had just vacated.

* * *

The smile fell clean off his face the moment his opened the door to his office, only to be met with a sizable stack of documents. 

He closed the door with a long suffering sigh. 

He took a few steps towards his desk before he stopped, eyes lingering on the various bottles on the bar cart. 

_ Fuck it… _

All the documents be damned, for all the impossibly crazy things that had occurred, it wasn't even 2 in the afternoon, but he was exhausted. 

Mentally.

Physically.

Sarcastically. 

He would damn well do as he pleased, and if what he pleased just so happened a nice cold glass of coke and whiskey,  

He wouldn't complain...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A definite crack crossover!  
> ** Hint hint for the next part of this series~


	3. Chapter 3

Tony had to admit that he _may_ have been just a tad extra in his “punishment through learning experience plan”…

\---

“You're really going like that?” Nat had waiting until they were in the air before eyeing the shiny gold of the STARK INDUSTRIES emblazoned across his black shirt.

It had taken Pepper nearly 20 minutes to talk him out of just going in his fleece pajama bottoms and a hoodie. Something about “image” and “societal norms”, a battle in which she obviously won as he grudgingly relented, swapping his pjs for a pair of dark wash blue jeans and a random SI shirt he managed to grab in the half dark of his room, debating all the way to the jet as to whether or not he should bring a hoodie along.

It had been nearing seven AM by the time they were in the air, and by they he meant the entire team including, to Tony’s incredulous surprise, one Bucky Barnes outfitted in a grey button down and jeans.

When had the ex assassin become so...fashionally adept..? “Button downs never go out of fashion. And we went shopping a few weeks ago.” Natasha hadn't  even been _looking_ in his direction when she answered, startling him out of his staring.

“What happens when ex assassins go shopping?”

“We shop till someone drops”

Tony cocked a brow

“Which one of you dropped?

“I never said it was either of us…” she glanced up from her phone, matching Tony’s look.

“And speaking of dropping dead, I'm sure the paparazzi are just gonna _die_ over the little matching game you guys have going” she glanced over to Peter who was knocked out, head resting against the wall. Bruce had very kindly draped his hoodie atop the teen when he noticed, effectively covering up the design, but Tony had a pretty decent idea of what Nat was talking about.

“So what? It's a gift shop shirt. Anyone can get one.”

Natasha shrugged, leveling Tony with a look of faux pity that left him feeling just a smidge on edge.

“They might be able to… next month. That's one of the new design that may or may not be coming out. It hasn't been officially green lighted.”

Tony’s eyes widened marginally as it hit him.

“And from what I remember, Pepper _personally_ asked you not to wear it outside yet.”

He sat up just a bit straighter, running a hand through his hair.

“And of all the shirts you could have given the kid, you just happened to give him the _only_ other one that's been printed. You gave him the official prototype.” Tony glanced over at Peter who was still completely dead to the world around him and the SNAFU that was bound to occur the moment they made one step out of the plane.

“Damn it…” he hissed, wallowing in his moment of _I fucked up-ness._  

“Language!” he heard from the back of the plane followed by a more quiet “are you serious?” beside him.

He didn't even warrant Steve’s little outburst with a sarcastic response. There were more pressing matters on hand.

“JARVIS.”

“Sir?”

“What's Pepper doing?”

“Ms. Potts is currently having breakfast. Organic Brazilian  coffee with -”

“Okay. Not important. What's her schedule looking like today?”

“The electronics company from Beijing is arriving today for a lunch meet and greet session around eleven thirty followed by a small charities meeting with SI’s humanitarian department. Ms. Potts’s schedule indicates that she will have no engagements after three o'clock this afternoon.” Tony hummed in thought as he flicked through SI owned vacation real estate locations.

“What about tomorrow?”

“My records indicate that Ms. Potts has a yoga class scheduled for nine AM followed by a meeting with the board of directors at ten thirty.”

“I see… thanks buddy.”

“Not a problem, sir. Should I inform her of any possible schedule problems?”

“No, no. I'll call her.”

“As you wish, sir.”

Tony sighed before making his way towards the back of the plane near the bar where Steve and Bucky sat side by side, arguing quietly about _past selves_ And _scrawny cursing punks._ He didn't even take a moment to throw in any sarcastic quips, much to Steve’s surprise as his eyes followed where Tony sat himself down on one of the far stools, positioning himself to sit in front of a wall.

And with one last deep breath he dialed Pepper, who picked up after precisely three rings.

“Tony…?”

“Pepper!” she narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

Widow watched from her seat, eyeing the holographic screen with amusement. From one Red head to another, she had to admit that she had a certain high level of respect for the other woman. Particularly in how she handled Tony’s multiple, very _questionable_ actions with grace and sensibility.

“What did you do.” it was more an aggressive and knowing comment than a question.

“Hey, hey. I haven't done anything. _Yet”_ she didn't miss the muttered words.

“Tony it isn't even eight in the morning. What did you Do?!”

The sudden crescendo brought about a wave of silence in the cabin as everyone save for Peter focused on Tony who grimaced.

“I just wanted to see how you were because I can be a decent person sometimes Pepper.”

No one had to look to feel the “Oh REALLY?”

“I just thought, ya know, since you couldn't take that vacation near Christmas that you could take it this weekend, preferably starting today.”

There was a beat of silence before Pepper replied.

“I know that you know that I have a full schedule today. I can't just drop everything and run, Tony.”

He rolled his eyes.

“I think the acceptable term is ‘mental health day,”

Pepper scoffed.

“You of all people can't be telling me about ‘mental health days’ Mr. I obsess over things and don't sleep for days.”

Tony opened his mouth to argue.

“Mr. I handle stress through alcohol and sarcasm? Hmm? What was that?”

“Okay, Okay! Dually noted.”

Pepper smirked.

“That's why I did an override in your schedule and cancelled everything for the weekend” it tumbled out in a low key terrified tone.

There was a full minute of silence before Pepper spoke.

“You're _kidding.”_

“Nope...”

And that was when the real fun began.

“aRE YOU FUC-” Bruce raced to clamp his hands tightly over a _very_ startled Peter Parker’s ears as Pepper began her furious, very loud, very expletive filled rant to which Tony took, eyes lowered without a thought of interruption.

He was naturally ballsy all the time , but he also knew that there were rules and that there were certain _definite_ lines. And by the color Pepper was turning, he had just crossed a _very_ sensitive line.

It was five straight minutes before Tony deemed it safe to butt in, flashing her a sheepish grimace in the process.

“I've booked our cabana in Fiji-your flight leaves at eleven-bye!” And without another wasted second he ended the call and temporarily blocked every and all lines of contact.

Except the one in Fiji. He'd have to keep that one open…

He let out a sigh, scrubbing tiredly at his eyes.

“She's going to fucking murder me...”

“Hey, hey. Language. You wouldn't want that sort of language rubbing off on your kid would you?” Nat chided, sending Peter an encouraging smile.

Peter recoiled slightly, looking confusedly between Widow and Banner, still half asleep from before his sudden wake up call.

He didn't even notice the hands still clamped on his ears as he took in Bruce’s apologetic gaze.

“Wha-….?”

Tony face palmed.

This was _not_ going to end well….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect cute dad Tony in the next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

In the end it was Bucky who saved the day. 

The day and a few paparazzi too.

But in all honesty, Tony wasn't entirely too happy with the fact that the ex assassin had saved him from what would have been a  _ very  _ expensive group of lawsuits.

They had arrived safely at the zoo in one piece only to be greeted by what looked to be at  _ least  _ half of San Diego’s paparazzi population. 

They'd swarmed the moment the sleek black car drove into the parking area followed by the equally shiny red. 

But by the grace of whatever deity was watching from above, they'd been barred from entering the parking area, giving the team a few minutes to collect themselves before they'd have to walk out to the chaos. 

Tony had parked towards the back, turning the engine off before swiveling to face Peter who still looked a little terrified at just how fast it was that they'd been going, eyes wide as he clutched the seatbelt. 

“Alright, team meeting before we go” he didn't even have to glance back to the front to press one of the many buttons on the dash. 

“Copy.” Nat’s voice came from the speakers.

“There's a shit ton of paparazzi outside, just in case you missed it.” 

“Mhm.”

“Whatever you do, don't touch them. Don't talk to them. Don't look them in the eyes. Just keep walking. And try your best not to get too physical, even if they're being touchy.”

Peter nodded. Tony had his serious face on, and that meant that this was important. 

“Okay. Let's go.” 

\----

Peter couldn't breathe. 

Too many voices in too loud volumes sealed with far too many flashes had his enhanced senses screaming. 

He tried his best to keep his eyes on the ground in front of him as they moved slowly towards the entrance of the zoo. And all things considered, he was doing a pretty good job in hiding his internal suffering, until someone started getting handsy. 

He had been following Tony’s shoes as a marker to where he was supposed to keep walking to, so it was more than a little surprising when he suddenly felt himself being yanked to the side in blind confusion and panic. His throat tightened considerably, head and heart beginning to pound. The sudden jerk followed by his near fall didn't help. 

And before he could react there was a camera shoved near his face, blinding him momentarily. 

He felt dizzy.

And then all of a sudden the man let go, pushing him none too gently into Banner who caught Peter in time. 

Things were still hazy, so he followed Banners gentle guiding to continue. He saw Widow’s red hair to his left, but had lost sight of Tony. 

But Bruce kept gently prodding so he kept moving, eyes glued to the floor through a shower of obnoxiously flashing cameras and yelled questions ranging from requests to downright heinous questions. 

All of which he ignored.

He just kept walking, feeling incredibly out of his comfort zone. 

\----

The zoo itself was surprisingly void of any paparazzi. Something Peter was so grateful for.

It had given them three hours of non chaotic leisure time to walk around. 

They'd stopped at nearly every animal, taking a little longer than the others at the Coyotes. 

By the time they decided to leave, the entire chaotic paparazzi moment had nearly been forgotten with the sounds and lights back to normal. 

It was almost too good to be true. The illusion had died the moment they made it out of the zoo towards the parking lot. 

While the way in consisted of nosy paparazzi looking for scandalous details, the way out had antis, which made things so much worse. 

They followed the team, heckling and harassing using some pretty vulgar language. 

Even Rogers looked irritated. 

Everyone from haters to jealous competitors, ex interns, extremist groups, pro weapon believers. Some of them fans from Hammer Industries. 

But this wasn't new. Tony had grown up around these sorts. He had practice. 

He had perfected the art of ignoring people by the age of ten.

He couldn't care less about what they thought. 

But Peter was an entirely different story. 

Peter didn't deserve this, and Tony felt like absolute shit in not being able to shield the teen from these demons. 

So when a particularly angry but very scrawny man in the pro weapons group decided to send a punch in Peter’s general direction, Tony lost it. 

With one quick moment he was seeing red, catching the punch only to have Barnes squeeze himself in between the potential fight.

Rogers had stepped up behind Tony and held him back while Barnes got the man to back off. 

“You're nothing! You and your kid!” he continued to scream as he back off back to his group. 

Tony narrowed his eyes, wholy ready to stomp the bastard. 

Banner put himself between Peter and the hateful crowd, inching away as Widow brought up the rear. 

“He's baiting you Tony. He's not worth it.” Rogers muttered, holding on in an iron tight vice. 

Tony in turn didn't say a thing, still visibly fuming with a lack of utter hatred painted on his face. 

They waited a moment more before Steve pulled Tony in the direction Bruce was headed, still shielding Peter. 

Nat and Bucky stayed at the end, warding off any other possible attacks, not lowering their defensive stances until they got to the car. 

\---

They'd barely made it an hour into their near five hour flight before pictures started popping up. 

To say Tony was unhappy was an understatement. 

Article after article of false ideas and gossip.

But then again, it wasn't new. And on the large scale of things, in his experience, this situation was minor. 

It would go away in a week or two. 

But there was one article he couldn't bring himself to ignore. 

“ **The Next Privileged Asshole?”** followed by what looked like an up close shot of Peter, eyes wide in panic looking more terrified than surprised. 

He had seen the man grab Peter, bringing back a flood of horrid memories of past paparazzi mobs he had to deal with. He was young at the time, eyes wide, sincerely hoping against all hope that  _ maybe  _ if he could make it through at least  _ one  _ paparazzi mob without getting a negative article written, his father would actually be proud of him. 

It hadn't worked of course. There was no way no one would give up the opportunity of fucking up Tony’s life. Especially not with Howard in the picture. 

He had taken the brunt of negative commentary that had come from the very people who hated Howard and STARK Industries without having the courage to go after him directly. 

No, Howard was too strong for that. Too rich, too powerful. Too big of a risk to go after him. So they turned their attention to Tony. Tony who had not yet recreated his cold and uncaring facade. Little boy Tony who tried his best to follow in his father’s gigantic shadow. He was willing to do  _ anything  _ to make the man proud. 

In all honesty, he wasn't sure if he could stomach the idea of Peter being the same way. 

The kid was out of it for sure, but not a single request was made to leave. He soldiered through, as much as Tony hated to admit, in a way that reminded him of his own self. The isolation. The fear of unprovoked violence. The absolute terror in what they might write about him next. 

Peter didn't deserve any of that. 

And the shirts. Of course they'd picked up on it, being the detail oriented pricks they were.

**“Like Father Like Son” “Tony Stark 2.0”** they'd taken photos from every possible angle, comparing the shirts to each other. 

They picked him apart, reminding him of just how  _ hated  _ he really was by a great deal of people. And in true paparazzi style, they picked Peter apart too, delving into private information that shouldn't have been available in the first place. 

And through it all, Tony felt like absolute shit. 

This was on him.

He had turned into a Hayward, putting his kid in the middle of the public eye, opening him up to be vulnerable to so much hate and threats. 

It was terrifying. 

“It'll go away in a week or two” Steve broke the silence. 

“Just avoid reading the tabloids. They say ridiculous things all the time” he glanced over to Peter who sat staring into space, trying to get his bearings straight. 

“It's fine” he jolted out if his stupor with a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. 

“It's not. And I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have been put in that position  in the first place.” Tony responded from the bar area in the back. 

“I've got PR running clean up. Those pictures are going to get taken down.” He took a gulp out of his whiskey. 

“But for now, all we can do is wait. I'm gonna need you to stay inside for the week, Peter. Until this whole things blows through.” 

Peter nodded. 

Tony continued to stare into his amber glass, trying his best to rebury the unwanted memories of the past. 

They had four hours left, a couple more drinks and he'd be fine.

\---

Two days after the zoo debacle found Tony returning from a short business trip to Norway, wanting nothing more than to lock himself in his lab for a while, far far away from the boring business investors. 

So that's what he did. Strolling to his lab at four in the morning, in sweatpants. 

He almost missed it, replying to the last of the emails on his phone while pressing the codes in. 

And just as he pushed the door open he saw something flutter on his work table, something bright red. 

He walked over, emails forgotten as he picked up the sheet. 

It was a magazine cover, or at least that's what he thought it was. 

A bright red magazine cover with a blown up photo on the front. 

**“Genuine Smiles”** was the title with a photo of him laughing at a smiling Peter who had caught the Coyote’s attention. 

He wasn't sure where the paparazzi had been in that picture, but he had to admit, if was a great candid shot. 

He eyed the short article under it. “ **I don't know about you, but it looks like, for the first time in decades, Tony Stark is actually genuinely smiling. Color me surprised. Who knew he'd be so different from Howard Stark?”**

He stared a few moments longer before a sticky note fluttered to the ground from the back of the page.

**“** _ You're beyond amazing. I really had a good time today. Thank you :) “ _

**Author's Note:**

> Any guesses as to how it all happened?


End file.
